He's My Son!

Benjamin was born on April 4, 2002. I knew nothing of his many problems until he was born...except that deep down inside during the course of my pregnancy I felt that something was not right. Call it a mother's instinct. (we're usually right) Shortly after birth, my son was taken by medflight to Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center. His brain had not developed and he was showing signs of either seizures, myoclonic jerking or a combination of both. As a result, the Intensive Care doctor loaded him with phenobarbital which suppressed his respiratory drive. He was intubated to keep him breathing. I remember those first few days as being such a whirlwind. I couldn't even see straight. (or maybe that was because my eyes were constantly leaking) We were getting hit from every direction with devestating news. They told us that Benjamin would not live. That was the point that we (as parents) hit rock bottom. In the days following his birth, we prepared for his death. Family members from all over flew in to support us during this hard time. We had made the very difficult decision to withdraw his life support and let him go peacefully while surrounded by family. During this preparation stage I was sitting with Benjamin, holding him in my lap. The ICN doctor had come in and was sitting across from me. I remember feeling uncomfortable because he wasn't saying anything to me, he was just staring at Ben's vent while rocking in his chair. When I couldn't take the silence anymore I asked him..."What is going on?" He told me that Ben was breathing above the vent (he was taking breaths on his own) and that he felt that he might just be able to wean him from it. That's when my life took a 360 degree turn. I was ecstatic. I felt hope. I knew in my heart that I would get to take my baby, that I had fallen head over heels with, home. What a joyous feeling that was. My family members still came, but instead of mourning, we were celebrating. I felt like the luckiest mother in the world. (still do) Two days after our gathering, Ben was extubated, and discharged soon after that. Our lives were forever changed.

Benjamin is now a happy, thriving 7 year old. It's not because of his equipment or the formula we are feeding him that he is still here with us (although that certainly helps), it's because he is LOVED. That's the magical ingredient. This child GROWS on LOVE. Every day is a privilege. Every moment is precious. And every night before I climb into bed, I thank my Heavenly Father for the beautiful gift that is my son.