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I miss my snuggly girls. Charlotte was a supreme cuddler. When I woke up terrified in the night thinking I hadn't turned on her oximeter alarm, I could go in and lay with her and hold her little chubby hands and bury my face her in thick coarse hair, smell her sweaty head. Lily slept between us the last few nights of her life, which was difficult with the feeding tube and pump and oxygen, but so worth it. I could lay my hand on chest or squeeze her foot. Hear her breath.
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Lately after I finish reading to Ella at night, she immediately announces "I want to sleep in mommy's bed." Zar tends to not come to bed until very, very late, or very early, depending on how you look at it, so I let her. I love having her there, listening to her suck her thumb and sigh, being woken up suddenly by a grubby foot to the nose, but she will not have the snuggles. "NO!" She squawks. "MY PILLOW! NOT YOURS!"
After she falls asleep, sometimes I can lay my finger in her tiny curled hand, fingernails pink and chipped and slightly sticky. Usually she lets it be. Then I sigh and think on the difference between my girls. Two gave their whole selves to me to care and cuddle for, and the two who, already, are running away from me at the park, climbing out of their high chairs and only accepting hugs when they have scraped knees or bonked heads. Or are asleep.
There is a sweetness and sacredness to the absolute dependency I once knew. I miss it.
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3 comments:
This is so poignant and beautiful and heartbreaking. So well written. Hugs, to you.
Thank-you for writing this, my special little girl died three weeks ago.
You said everything that I haven't been able to say. I'm sorry for your loss, but is comforting to know that I'm not the only mommy that misses the O2 concentrator or that "And the fact that I tell my story so matter-of-factly, because it's just my reality. Lot's of people's worst nightmare, my every day."
Thank-you again for your post.
Oh Erin-- what a beautiful post--to have lost two angels. It breaks my heart. Your words are beautiful and your babies will never be forgotten because of your writings. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful expression for what it feels like for those of us in Holland who never knew we wanted to be here and once get here don't know how we could ever live someplace else. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
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