Special Needs Marriage

A few thoughts on special needs marriage.




From April:

Having a child with challenges can create many tender times in a marriage. The following are just a few simple ways that my husband and I try to stay connected in the midst of our busy day to day lives coupled with times of medical uncertainty:

* Between work, church responsibilities and medical appointments, my husband and I often find that our time together is limited. However, an unexpected blessing from our late night hours with Caleb is that we are usually able to end our day with some quiet time together. No matter how late my husband gets home, I'm usually still up with Caleb and we have an hour to reconnect before we go to bed. The lack of sleep is worth that little window of time together.

* Because we are quite home bound with our special needs son, our friends have often brought "date night" to us! They'll pick up food at a restaurant and bring it over to our home so that we can have a date night with friends, without having to leave the house!

* When I have a day of hospital appointments with Caleb, sometimes my husband is able to take time off of work to come along. I love these times because we have a chance to visit in the car, figure out how to best meet Caleb's needs, and have a "date" in the hospital cafeteria.

* When we find a moment to pray together our hearts are "knit together in unity and love" as we try to best meet the needs of our family. Heavenly Father truly blesses us in tender ways when we ask him for his help and guidance.

* Being parents to a child with challenges can be tender. We live lives that most couples will never really understand. Between Hospital visits, follow up appointments, therapy, insurance battles, it can be hard to find time just to be a "couple." It's easy to get bogged down with questions, equipment, and worry. I know that when we try to find a few moments every day to re connect with each other and with Heavenly Father, we will feel more unified in love as we continually strive to strengthen marriage and family!


From Beth:

We all have a plan for ourselves. For our life.

When there is a kink in the plan, it stinks.

But, that's life. It's unpredictable.

I know this, you know this. Anyone who doesn't... is a turd.

Here's the deal, though, when a kink, a sizable kink, happens to you, it's hard to swallow. It's tough to accept, even when the rational side of your brains says, "Simmer down, kinks are to be expected."

Kinks change you. Even when you don't want them to. Even when you fought your hardest to not let them weild their poisin.

In the aftermath of Betsy's diagnosis/prognosis, I went through the normal sadness. Then I dusted it off, and went into proactive mode. In hindsight, I think I only got my stuff together for her and anything concerning her. I really let everything else go down the crapper.

After almost 5 years, I thought I was okay. I was in a place of acceptance and positivity. And, in a lot of ways I still am. If it was just Betsy and me, it would be a cakewalk. The problem is that there is more to consider. 3 other kids. A husband. A family. Somewhere along the line, I haven't considered them enough.

Jake and I are bickering over the stupidest things, the kids are always yelling at each other, the boys are fighting more than usual. The energy in our home is gray, and I'm really trying to keep it from fading into black. I mean, I certainly wouldn't want to be around us right now, so, I can't expect other people to want to.

I wake up every morning and tell myself that today is the day to turn it around. To right the wrongs, to repair the damage. But, 2-3 hours into the day, and it all goes amuck.

I don't want you all to think it's all Nanny 9-1-1 around here or anything, but it's not far off. I'm using my maternal radar and have spotted a small blip on the screen and want to take it out before it becomes a massive bleep. I would really like to avoid Supernanny, at all costs.

I love my family.

Seeing that sentence, it just doesn't seem like enough. I would sacrifice myself for my children and their happiness. I am crazy about my husband, he is truly my soulmate. So, what happened? How did we become a group of people that just live together and, occasionally, feel like a family? We may smile as we walk past each other, make friendly bantar, we still eat dinner together nightly, and sometimes, in brief moments find ourselves just being. Together. As it should be, and as it used to be all the time. But, it's NOT like it used to be. At least, not as often as it should be.

I am to blame. I firmly believe that the mother is the glue of the family. "When momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy" is the most truthful little tidbit around. Remember that.

I know that we will overcome. We are strong like that. Grebes Rule! Everyone has rough patches. I never thought I'd encounter one like this at 31, but then, there's that whole kink thing, ya know?

I have the utmost admiration for families who have been through worse and made it; trauma, terminal spousal or childhood illness, or, heaven help them, loss of a child or spouse. I now know why divorce rate is so high among families who encounter major kinks. In our own situation with having a child with special needs, the divorce rate is twice as high. With it already being 41% for first marriages in the US (that is staggering), I refuse, REFUSE, to be included in the 82% failure rate for couples like Jake and I. NOT an option.

Incidentally, this post was VERY difficult for me to write (through clydesdale sized tears), but therapeutic, and much needed. I hope it dispells any and all thoughts by anyone who thinks that things are always peachy-keen around here, or that I PRETEND that they are perfect. Either way you slice, things are not.

Despite all of it, I am very pleased with all that God has graciously given me. I am blessed over and over in ways too numerous to count. And, my situational sadness aside, I am generally content. Does that make sense? I am happy with who my children are, and happy that, even in difficulty, I have Jake to lean on. I am happy to have the parents and sister that I have, and grateful for the in-laws that I have, too.

I just need a little work. And, with all the support I can muster, from my family, from you, and mostly, from God, I will be reinstated to who I was before. Before I let the kink change me. I am amazed that even now, people look to me for advice and solice. It is encouraging and helpful to have that. To know that I am not a complete wash up. That I still have sense AND sensibility.

I have to always remember that God's plans transcends any we have for ourselves.


From Kristina:

Chris and I talked about this but we don't really see that having a child with special needs really puts that much extra stress on the marriage. We think going from 1 to 2 children has its own stress!

When pushed, we think that adding in the extra cost of a special needs child (in our case, lower income since I'm now at home and the added expense of non-insurance covered out of pocket medical expenses) is the most challenging. When money is tight, stress can be around the corner. Also, we have sometimes disagreed on how to handle some situations and make ourselves talk it out and not take any action until we both can agree on a path forward.

We also have both taken up getting more active - Chris by running and me by starting Spinning classes - to help burn off stress and get some time away from home. We also take advantage of any opportunity to have a date night and try and make sure that happens at least 2x/month. I think it's both of these things that have helped us minimized the impact of raising two children, one with special needs and one without. So far, it's really worked!


From Tara:

I believe ALL marriages have peaks and valleys. I believe special needs marriages have steeper mountains and deeper pit falls. I believe when a special needs couple was blessed with their child, they were also blessed with a life that was out of the ordinary. I believe having a special needs child forces us as a couple to dig to a deeper place within ourselves - remember who we are as individuals and as a couple. We have been forced to strengthen ourselves just to make it up the next steep hill. It is hard, it is fun, it is a bit of an extreme sport really. But just as I wouldn't trade Chloe for anything in the world, I also wouldn't trade the opportunity to grow within myself and grow as a couple with my amazing companion through this crazy ride. Our marriage has special needs, and making sure those needs are met is our call. We can't change it or wish it away. We have to get creative, be more patient, be more kind, remember why we fell in love, and enjoy those beautiful peaks when they come our way!


Please share your thoughts as well!