Chloe - Nana's Perspective

Chloe.... with just a few of the people who love her.

Having a baby is the most beautiful thing this world has to offer. First there is a suspision "could I be?" Sharing your theory with your husband, the test, it's positive. A thrill comes over you like you have never before experienced. That's it the two of you have a most blessed secret. There's the big announcement, everyone goes crazy, grandma's, grandpa's, brothers, sisters, aunt's, uncle's, cousins, friends. You watch your tummy grow, feel another life inside you kicking, rolling. Such anticipation and celebration in your life. Things could never be better.

I'm a grandmother now and when my children come to me with their exciting news it never can get old. We're like any other family in this world never believing any of our beautiful babies would have anything wrong with them, that happens to other people. Of course we are not oblivous, like any other family we have the momentary thought that something may go wrong but we push it away and pray that our children will be born healthy and strong.

Our little Chloe wasn't, healthy and strong I mean. At first things seemed as normal as things can. A beautiful delivery. We took a million pictures. I took a picture of her minutes old with her hands held close to her face, fingers interlaced just as if she was posing for us. The funny thing at the time was her wide open eyes were as crossed eyed as they could possibly get. Everyone wanted a copy of that particular picture. Recently I asked Chloe's mother my daughter in law if I could delete that photo from my camera.I hate it now because to me if I developed that picture it's as if we would be cruely mocking our beautiful little girl, and beautiful she is. A little doll with big blue eyes little red cheeks, rose petal lips and a strawberry blond mowhawk on the top of her head. Tara (my daughter in law) agreed the picture needed to go "delete it"she said.

In the beginning months of Chloe's life I noticed she would never focus on me when I spoke to her, she would either have a blank stare or her eyes would be darting in all sorts of directions. I knew she would hear me because her hearing tests at the hospital right after her delivery were normal. However when any of us kissed her she would smile so big, so wide it was adorable and still is.Chloe was extremely sensative to movement and touch, she would be startled easily and cry for hours. Trying to comfort her was nearly impossible. When she was about 4 weeks old she was laying belly down on top of my husband's belly.Face down barely atempting to hold up her little head. I had already noticed she always needed support underneath the back of her head to hold it up at all. It worried me until I was sick. This particular afternoon laying on Papa I looked over at my husband and said "There is something wrong with this baby." He turned toward me and sadly said "I know."

It's been over a year ince I wrote the four paragraph's above. Tara and my son Oby (Chloe's parents) asked me to remove what I had written because it was too sad. Tara told me our blog was to give people in our situation hope, not depress them. I believe people need to read those four paragraphs so they can know they are not alone in feeling like the world is caving in around them when they realize "something is wrong with my baby." One day after being in the emergency room, yet again listening to endless medical jargan explaining the possibilities we were facing I felt I had brain overload. On the way home from the hospital I pulled my car to the curb and sobbed for a good twenty minutes. I would have stayed longer but I had a house full of relatives from out of town waiting for me at home. We were having a family party of all things. I couldn't let them see me in that sort of state. Nor, could I ever let Oby and Tara see it. Oby's my baby and I nedded to be somewhat put together for him, but my heart was breaking. I couldn't fix it. This was the first time in my life I asked God "Why?" Something I thought I would never do because I believed I could always take on any adversity I was dealt, but this was being delt to my son, his wife and my beautiful baby grandaughter. As I mentioned earlier that was over a year ago. The road has not been smooth for Tara and Oby, but they have taken the challenge of having a special needs child straight on; and in the process we have all realized what a treasure we have been blessed with. Tara quit working. They sold their home. Oby works and goes to school. They have moved into a one bedroom basement apartment for now so Tara can be with Chloe. I tell you this because material possesions and a great career don't mean much right now. Chloe needs her mom and her mom needs her. I am proud of the decisions they have made. I know they have been hard ones to make. Tara has learned all about early intervention physical therapy, music therapy, swing therapy, horse riding therapy and swimming therapy. Who knew? Well Tara does and she can help anyone else learn about these thing too. That is the point of this blog. Chloe has never reached the mile stones we look for such as rolling over, sitting up or walking yet. I like to think she has other skills such has drawing every person in the room directly to her with her very presence. Her smile tells us how much we are loved. The twinkle in her eyes tells us we better watch out because when her little body can she will be into all sorts of mischief. Chloe wants to persevere and she will, she has forever changed my perspective on life. I don't ask God "Why?" anymore. I kneel and tell him thank you.